feren: Feren is silly (Zhivagod_Feren-Silly)
I love the emails that I get at work, sometimes. I love the opportunity to be a smartass in response even more. For example, I just received this...




From: [DBA]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 3:23 PM
To: [Project Manager 1]; Feren; [Feren's Boss]
Subject: Pipe sizing for transfers to new delta production


We were under the impression that the pipe going to production will be getting larger soon.

The last time we needed to transfer a large file to production from delta or delta2 we got kicked out repeatedly.

After a very productive day we are on track to start out database builds tonight and tomorrow.

For one of these databases this will require a 50gb file transfer. With the problems occurring last time we want to confirm when the pipe gets bigger so that we can reduce the chances of restart.


So when will the pipe get bigger??

Thanks,
[DBA]





I carefully considered this for a minute, then sent a response:




From: Feren
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 3:23 PM
To: [DBA]; [Project Manager 1]; Feren; [Feren's Boss]; [Project Manager 2]
Subject: Re: Pipe sizing for transfers to new delta production

When it works out more regularly and drinks protein shakes.


feren: I AM THE MAN (Zhivagod - Feren_silly)
... but this absolutely cracked me up.

By now you've most likely all heard about Joe the Plumber. Obama has introduced his new champion example of the middle-class average American: Al the Shoe Salesman.


Yes, that really is Ed O'Neill (reprising his old role as Al Bundy).

Link found via Reddit and video courtesy of barackobama.com's YouTube account.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-lurve)
Via [livejournal.com profile] asetwoman I give you An Engineer's Guide to Cats:



As an engineer, I endorse this public service announcement.
feren: I AM THE MAN (dentist)

I Has A Tribble
by ~panfah on deviantART

Sometimes the photographer is made the subject of photographs. In this outtake photograph (from a birthday party on December 1st of 2007) my friend [livejournal.com profile] takaza wrested control of the camera away from me. I don't know why, or how, this Tribble-like creature came into play.

So here I am, the man (normally) behind the lens. I should have tried to try to play it off as a toupee.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-enthusiastic)
Oh man, Ozzy Osbourne has auditioned to be the new announcer for Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN. Here is the video clip where Anderson introduces him.

This is full of candy and win.
feren: I AM THE MAN (doctor-pwned)
While I was out shoveling the driveway and sidewalk this morning, I was reminded why I love winter:

*obvious sound of a pull-start engine being yanked on*
whud whud whud. whud.

*obvious sound of a pull-start engine being yanked on*
WHUD whud whud. whud.

*obvious sound of a pull-start engine being yanked on*
whud whud Whud WHUD WHUD WHUD WHUD! WHUD! Whud. whud.

"Fuck."
A snowblower is a luxury that I miss having (the one my parents have on the farm can kick wet, sticky snow into a rooster tail 25 feet tall....) but, on the other hand, it's hard to have a problem starting your shovel.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-devious)
I am pleased to announce that, thanks to the dilligent effort of [livejournal.com profile] neuracnu, Forum 2010 has returned. Long live the Forum.1

[1] Yes, I have a vested interest in driving traffic to the site. If I don't, the site gets no ad revenue. If the site gets no ad revenue, my SOMAD will have no money to buy gin with. This will make him bitchier than usual -- and nobody wants that.
feren: I AM THE MAN (Default)
Yesterday was Jeans Day at $EMPLOYER. But wait, Feren! I hear you say. I thought jeans were verboten at your place of employment! You're right, they are -- usually. Sometimes the ban upon All Things Denim is lifted as a "reward" for us low-level employees, as if a singular day of comfort and style somehow makes up for all the other indignities we suffer. In the case of the 22nd, it was to mark the anniversary of $SUBDIVISION's founding. So at the beginning of the week a memo went out inviting all employees to wear jeans on Friday, "in celebration."

Being the perverse, contrary and generally assholish individual that I am, I naturally chose to go against the grain. I opted to wear one of my suits to work instead instead of the day's "relaxed" code of jeans and polo shirt. The fabric was black with dark pinstripes and I trimmed that out with black shoes (of course), black belt (naturally), a black shirt, a black tie with red, yellow and blue blotches (I joked that the tie looked like a macaw had exploded on it), my sunglasses and my favorite hat (The hat had to come off while I was at my desk, otherwise I wore it most of the day). I received a lot of the expected "Hey, I hope your interview goes well!" commentary, along with the various permutations thereof like "Hey, have you got an interview today?" Only one or two people stopped and asked me "So... what's going on with the suit?"

Regardless of what phrase was used during the opening dialog my answer was always the same. "I'm wearing a suit because today is Jeans Day," I'd tell them, which would net a quizzical look in response. So I'd elaborate on my explanation by adding, "Every day could be Jeans Day, if management wanted it to be. I'm a senior engineer at the corporate office, I don't see our target customers -- ever -- and rarely do I interact with vendors. The same goes for you. There's no reason we need to wear slacks day in and day out. So, this is my political commentary in response to our supposed reward."

Yes, I am well aware that wearing a suit on jeans day is not terribly clever and that doing so is a far cry from anything remotely approaching subversive. Still, as I was growing up, I was told repeatedly that it's the little things in life that count. So hey, if by doing this little thing I can separate myself from the herd for a brief while and, at the same time, thumb my nose at a worthless policy? I might as well make the effort.

Heidi, when a man buys a couch... he loses a ball.
feren: I AM THE MAN (Blotch-DeviousFeren)
My father sent the following just a few days ago...
What did Mom teach me? )
feren: I AM THE MAN (drunky)
From my IM conversation a moment ago....
Sheena @1917: Was that a browser glitch on my end or did you really finish with: Once we hit 2200 I get to fall into my and that's it?

Feren @ 1918: yeah, I bombed it and posted with unfinished sentence you quoted

Sheena @1918: heeeee

Feren @ 1918: hello brain how are you today
"I'm pissed off at you."
Why?
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Sheena @ 1919: "You don't let me experience delta waves, dammit."
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-lurve)
I had just finished making the bed and was getting ready to settle in under a mound of sheets, blankets and comforters to hibernate for the evening and in so doing also hide from the bitter, nasty cold that has taken control of my particular portion of the Midwest (it's 18F, -9C right now... before windchill). While I was making the bed Ra was indulging in a kitten-like bout of playfullness that had him tearing ass around the room, running in and out of the doorway and generally being a black ball of nuisance and noise. When I finished settling the comforter he ducked under the bed, apparently deciding that 2349 hours is a good time to play a game of "Come and find me, Dad!" Since I like seeing him acting this way after all he's been through I opted to indulge him. I went to the foot of the bed where I'd seen him disappear and, when I settled down onto hands and knees, I played my fingers along the dust-ruffle. I figured that he'd be unable to resist this variation of the "catch the mouse under the bedsheet" game and I was not mistaken. Ra came zooming out from the far side of the bed to surprise his prey. Once he'd had enough of pouncing and biting at the dustruffle he came trotting up to me and, meaning to brush his cheek against mine (or thunk his head into my chin, which is another of his favorite ways to display affection) he got a little too close. That's when both he and I got a harsh reminder that the humidity in the house has been a bit low recently -- the moment his muzzle came into proximity of the end of my nose I saw a blue-white spark jump over and heard the CRACK as an excellent bolt of static electricity bridged the gap. I got shocked on my nose and, naturally, so did Ra.

The expression of absolute dismay and betrayal on his face in the moments immediately following were both extremely cute and decidedly hilarious.

I am a bad cat daddy for laughing, aren't I?

Say what
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-londo-wtf)
Dear Christopher Walken

Christmas letters to Christopher Walken.



Words fail me.
feren: I AM THE MAN (Blotch-DeviousFeren)
This has to be the quote of the evening right here.

<TaxiGirl> You wouldn't think that the difference between 8" and 12" is that much, but it really is.
<TaxiGirl > Err, 8" and 10".
<Captain> Insert your own joke here.


Sometimes I really do love IRC.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-devious)
This morning [livejournal.com profile] lady_curmudgeon sent me an email that contained this hilarious link. It's the report of about 80 people who decided to show up at a large Best Buy store and impersonate the salesdroids on the floor. To say they impersonated the employees is probably putting it too strongly... the individuals in question simply showed up at the store wearing khaki pants and blue shirts similar in color and design to the "Best Buy" logo-bearing polo shirts issued to real employees. Then they stood around the store and interacted with people who approached them. They never claimed to be employees and in some cases clearly stated that they weren't, but it didn't stop the average dummy consumer from taking their advice anyway. The link I provided above takes you to the story and a narrative of the experience by several of the participants, complete with pictures and video of the results.

Things take an interesting twist when local law enforcement officers are called in by Best Buy managers who are clearly caught in a blind panic.

I find this all to be completely hilarious. When you factor in that I used to work for that horrible company (six months there as a full-time victim employee... I'll never see that part of my soul again) you may understand why this is so funny to me. Speaking as a former employee of the Big Yellow Tag, let me tell you for a fact that the reaction of security and management is not being exaggerated in the report. What is written down (and shown alongside the story in the accompanying movies and photographs) is spot-on, completely unembellished behavior that I witnessed hundreds of times during my duration of punishment tenure with them.

Won't need no shadow man
feren: I AM THE MAN (doctor-ohnoes)
... because now the landscape around my place of employment has developed the habit of spontaneously igniting and threatening property. This is a somewhat amusing development and is certainly a new trick for this building -- I've been here for 7 years now and it's never done that before, not even during the absolute peak of summer.

Burn out the day
feren: I AM THE MAN (Vincent)
I dunno where this came from, but it was passed on to me during a conversation with [livejournal.com profile] neowolf2:
'At the box office this weekend, Ice Age 2 clobbered Basic Instinct 2 by hauling in $70 million dollars, compared with less than $3 million for the Sharon Stone movie. One film is about a prehistoric creature's struggle to survive and find love, the other is the animated sequel to the movie Ice Age.'
I think that sums it up with as much snark as one could ask for. I immensely enjoyed seeing "Ice Age 2," even though it was not quite as strong as the original. Heather agrees with me, as she had seen the original in theaters (I had not). The real acid test was Heather's husband Garry, who has little interest in "films for kids" and never saw the original. Given that the cranky old man was laughing along with the three of us by ten minutes into the film... well, I rest my case for how much fun this flick is for young and old alike.

In other news I've finally dug into The Hunt for Red October, which I picked up as a trade paperback during the same run to the Salvation Army store that netted me the Awesome Lava Lamp of Gloopy Love. I've seen the movie and I enjoyed it, but I always felt there were points that had been glossed over in its adaption to the screen. Getting a chance to do a bit of recreational reading is enjoyable on its own, but when I get to do that recreational reading with an interesting story that served as the basis for a film I like it's an added pleasure.

living in the Internet
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-lurve)
Known Fact: Yawns are contagious.

Little Known Fact: Yawns are contagious across species. Ra was in my lap and yawned hugely and then I found myself yawning. A few minutes later I yawned... and immediately after I finished, Ra did too.

Hiding out in treetops
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-bester)
The following IM conversation is from Tuesday:

(09:42:50 AM) [livejournal.com profile] ottr: I continue the cycle. Hakuna matata.
(09:43:06 AM) [livejournal.com profile] feren: Timon and Poomba slash.
(09:43:27 AM) Ottr: Ooo yah baby, pretend I'm a crunchbug and eat me!

I went somewhere bad and Ottr made it worse.

Step out of line your neck's on the block
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-enthusiastic)
Soon the Internet talk show circuit shall bow to Stewie.

BUTTPLUG!

Jan. 19th, 2006 09:45 pm
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-devious)
Buttplug? Buttplug. Butt. Plug. BUTT! PLUG!

This was a phone prank performed by some radio DJ or another. I cannot claim credit.

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