feren: Feren is silly (Zhivagod_Feren-Silly)
What the hell is going on around here, the great tonic draught of '09? When I was picking up a few necessities at the Meijer last night, I bought 6 bottles of tonic. There was 3 dozen left on the shelf. We went back today to get the real grocery shopping done and when I walked past the tonic shelf? You guessed it, absolutely none to be found except a single six-pack of the tiny glass bottles you see used at fancy cash bars.

Why the sudden run on tonic?!
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-WTF)
Terror!

I blame [livejournal.com profile] loboguara.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-WTF)


It's a funny video to watch and it's readily apparent that the cat is not being hurt and is, in fact, enjoying the attention quite a great deal -- watch her do her nub-sharpening routine on his knee whenever he stops. It's adorable! What's less adorable is that, after trying this out on [livejournal.com profile] lady_curmudgeon's cat (Jazz, the oldest of the pair) I found that the cat in the video is not the only one who enjoys this sort of attention. Now I can't have my lap to myself! Whenever I sit down Jazz jumps in my lap and demands spankings.

Good day, sunshine
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-hyperdrunk)
Duda Farm Fresh Foods has engineered celery stalks into edible straws for your Bloody Mary. I am something of a heretic -- such a surprise, right? -- because when I'm mixing at home I generally forgo the customary celery stalk garnish in my Bloody Mary. Hey, I may be dating but I'm still living a bachelor life, what use is celery to me outside of that?

But if I had celery that was already in a straw shape? Hell, I'd probably keep a few around for all occasions.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-londo-wtf)
Dear Christopher Walken

Christmas letters to Christopher Walken.



Words fail me.
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-WTF)
Has anybody else seen this shit? Or this?

Why am I just finding out about this now, almost a year after this got started? Why do I see echos of Kelo -v- City of New London in this? Where's the OUTRAGE and the news coverage? Why is the possible (later mostly-debunked) killer of Jon Benet getting press coverage while this sort of douchery is occurring on Capitol Hill? Why isn't this getting hours of air time on various television stations? Opiate of the masses, indeed. Ignorance shall reign and we all shall suffer.

It would appear that the American Dream is in actual jeopardy here. If I wasn't before, I am now Gravely Concerned about the direction our nation is heading in. I mean, seriously... we're talking about altering the very thing that makes the ownership of a home -- the essence of the american dream and the envy of lots of other cultures and nations -- a reality. When we start talking seriously about alterations like this there's something seriously wrong. So, is the deduction of mortgage interest a right, something afforded to us by the Constitution? No. But it's a privilege we award to those who have worked hard and who have shown they can do the due dilligence, think intelligently and are trustworthy of such high risk debts. America encourages home owners in an effort to magnify wealth and increase the standard of living for those who are dedicated to achieving a goal. Financially speaking I am doing pretty well for myself (at least for a 27 year-old unmarried male I think I am) and I am very dilligent about paying down my mortgage faster than my note holders may expect (average of $300/mo extra is going in towards principle), but that doesn't make me rich by any means. In truth it's only through tax code that says I'm allowed to deduct my mortgage interest that I'm really able to bear the cost of owning property and a house in one of Chicago's booming suburbs. Believe me, if I could move somewhere that wasn't exploding at the speed of light and still be able to work in my particular job arena at my acknowledged pay rate, I would.

This strike against the middle-class (and honestly the upper crust will be hit too, but the middle class will feel the biggest pinch because they've got the least margin for change) had better not be a result of an effort to offset the cost of our multitude of military actions -- if it is then the terrorists really have won. The idea of terrorism is, at the very root, to make your opponent so afraid or overextended that they end up waging an attack against their own base of power and ideals. Something this drastic is right up their alley as a goal.

To add to the fun: since the wiretap bill seems to be moving forward for warrantless monitoring of communications within the USA it seems to be simply a matter of time until privacy is an ill-remembered thing of the past. Have you had your daily allotment of Newspeak, citizen? Sounds alarmist, I know... but there was a time just a few years ago when I thought the Kelo ruling could never happen in our nation -- and I was proved wrong. Things do not indicate a trend towards improvement since then.

Do it in the name of love
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-gruntle)
At 4:55 this morning I woke up from a nightmare, drenched in sweat, absolutely convinced that my employer had dismissed me due to a physical altercation with an employee who held a black belt in karate (I dunno either, but it made sense at the time). After I got a glass of water and dropped my heart rate back down into the double digits I laid in bed with Ra and contemplated: does being fired from my job really constitute a nightmare or not? I fell asleep pondering this so naturally the next dream I had also involved work themes and had vaguely nightmarish qualities.

This trend can stop any time now.

I need to get away
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-WTF)
I just got a neat little missive in the mail today from the fine folks at CitiBank. It came in one of those envelopes where you tear off the tab on the side, grab the enclosed letter and pull it out. I wasn't sure why I'd gotten one from CitiBank (for some reason I always think of the letter that Korben Dallas (played by Bruce Willis) gets via the pneumatic tube in The Fifth Element, it was similarly enclosed). Any time I see something like this I just know I'm going to regret opening it. There's always something unpleasant inside, like new privacy terms or a change on the APR. Yet they've got you by the cajones, you know? You have to open the missive because ignorance is not an acceptable defense in court. For me, it's also hard to resist curiousity when IMPORTANT PERSONAL INFORMATION is stamped on the outside of something. So despite knowing better I caved and opened it.

Congratulations, burbled the paper in a cheerful font. If you don't think paper can burble, you've never seen this font. Because you're such a good consumer whore and have never missed a payment with us, because we're worried that you're not spending any money with us and because we're greedy bastards who want you to carry a balance so we can suck your wallet dry through finance charges, we've raised the credit limit on your Diamond Preferred Mastercard! They've raised my bloody limit again? Well hooray for that. It was bad enough I could buy a brand new car and finance it entirely on one credit card. Now, with that aforementioend card, I can buy a new car, a new snowmobile and a trailer for hauling the sled without even approaching the limit. That'll make it so much easier to add on all the extras, like a seat warmer in the car and handlebar heaters on the snowmobile.

What the hell am I supposed to do with a credit limit of $23,100? I never want to owe that much in revolving debt and that's just one of my cards! I've got ... lesse here... four other ones with limits ranging between $6,000 to over $18,000. My credit score must be phenomenal these days.

It's more than just a dream
feren: I AM THE MAN (ashryn-londo-wtf)

Alien wingwong for baby
John Hurt as a young child.
feren: I AM THE MAN (mischief)
"Granny's Diaperz r001!"

I shit you not -- that's actually on my whiteboard, complete with the l33t one and zeros. The insult to my injury is that I only noticed it tonight in passing. But I know who the responsible party is and exactly when it was written, oh yes.

[livejournal.com profile] roho, I ought to come after you with a few hundred water balloons when January rolls around, man.
feren: I AM THE MAN (Default)
So yeah, did I mention Ra tried to blow me straight to Hell yesterday?

Friday morning I got up for work at my usual time, checked in with [livejournal.com profile] crackjackal over AIM and then went about my morning routine as quickly as possible. Right as I went into the bathroom to get my shower I heard the cat howling and whining in the hallway. I wasn't particularly in the mood to put up with this so I figured I should feed him before actually jumping into the tub if I didn't want to be serenaded through my entire ritual of soaking, scrubbing and rinsing. When I walked out of the bedroom and into the hallway I thought I smelled something odd but I quickly dismissed it without much thought since my sinuses have been acting bad as of late. A natural consequence of this condition (the result of a broken nose I suffered as a child) is that my sense of smell is anything but acute these days, so consequently my reaction is to second-guess everything. In this case I really wish I hadn't.

I arrived in the kitchen to find that Ra had already assumed his place on the kitchen chair so I could feed him without having to expend much effort coaxing him off the floor and away from my feet. I got the food into his bowl without any incident and he proceeded to chow down in typical fashion -- which is to say he shoved his face into his bowl and proceeded to inhale his entire cupful of food almost whole. Since he was taken care of the for the morning I knew I could go take my shower unmolested, but instead I decided to do something a little different than usual. This proved to be a far more fortuitous decision than I could have imagined at the time. I thought that since I was already in the kitchen I should be productive and make the best of my presence there before returning to my bathroom for the Great Cleansing. My plan was eloquent in its simplicity, yet it was underpinned with cunning: I would get a glass of water and take my vitamins for the day before taking my shower or brushing my teeth, thus avoiding the nasty taste of toothpaste later. As I was reaching to open the refrigerator I realized that I had indeed smelled something: the cloying scent of natural gas was nearly overpowering once my sinuses granted me a temporary reprieve and I could once again sample the air around me. Very slowly I lowered my hand from where I held the handle on the refrigerator door. There I stood as I took careful stock of my situation, the seconds ticking by as my heart raced in preparation for the inevitable ker-WHAM! of an explosion. I was surrounded by volatile gas, something I had only now just realized... and I was still wondering where the leak might be. My immediate thought was that the pilot had gone out on my water heater, but the scent of the gas was incredibly strong where I was already standing, so I ruled out the utility or the furnace closet which were quite a distance away. I couldn't allow myself to believe they were the origin of the wayward oxidizer, because if they were I was truly up the proverbial creek without the equally proverbial paddle. Having made such an immense leap of logical deduction (Holmes would be so proud) I slowly turned my head to the left and gave the stove a once-over. I quickly spotted the culprit: one knob for the forward burner had been twisted partway over and thus was allowing gas to pass to the burner, but it hadn't actually ignited and thus hadn't burned off.

A heartbeat later I was able to piece together how this situation had come to pass: The night previous I had caught Ra on the kitchen counter and scolded him, chasing him off with the spray bottle I use to correct him when he's misbehaving. Not wanting to be squirted with water the cat had naturally leapt to the floor from his perch on the cutting board and fled for the living room in the hopes that I would not pursue him. He was right, I didn't... instead I opted to go back to the couch to catch the last part of Stargate: Atlantis. In hindsight I should regret this decision.

When Ra jumped down he must have knocked one of the dials for the range over far enough to let gas out but not actually cause the electronic igniter to fire. If anything had sparked Friday morning (say, my lighter for my morning cigarette), well, I think I said it best to Ashryn when I said you'd be making plan to attend my funeral right about now... or at least to visit me in the burn ward.

I oh-so-carefully turned the errant burner's knob to "off" and then opened the kitchen window. Once I had some fresh air circulating I retreated to my bedroom so that I could get a shower, hoping against hope that while I was sequestered in the other part of the house the kitchen would air out without any sparks igniting the fumes that hung like fog near the stove. Approximately twenty minutes later I emerged once more, feeling refreshed and just a bit calmer. I gave the kitchen a thorough inspection and determined that the immediate threat had passed -- the room was clear.

The fucking cat isn't even on my beneficiary list and he's trying to off me. What does it say when your own pet tries to reduce you to your component atoms? I mean... I nearly died in a trap laid by a cat that pukes more than a teenage girl with anorexia nervosa the night before the senior prom. To go out that way would have been just plain embarrassing.

I guess it's time to invest in some child-proofing locks for the range's dials. I never imagined it would come to this, but life is full of surprises like that.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

WTF?

Mar. 21st, 2004 08:50 pm
feren: I AM THE MAN (Jack)
I had to leave Trillian connected when I disappeared to the North today because I was uploading a file to somebody and didn't want it to abort. To discourage people from messaging me while I wasn't actually at my desk I set an away message that said "Gone to BD's for tasty mongolian stirfry." When I came home Trillian had received a set of messages and thoughtfully boxed them for me so that I would notice them right away... and notice them I did, these were too surreal not to stare at. The following is what was waiting for me when I brought my monitor out of power savings mode:

goodnewsimhornie29: hi... anyone there??
*** Auto-response sent to goodnewsimhornie29: Off to BDs Mongolian Barbeque. Tasty stirfry awaits!
goodnewsimhornie29: oh your there :)) hi...
goodnewsimhornie29: a/s/l (age sex location)?
goodnewsimhornie29: im 27/f/USA. waas lookin at your profile. thought you might like to chat.
goodnewsimhornie29: so what havve you been up to ferenpanther?

I looked at it, shook my head and just dismissed the window -- clearly this person failed the IQ test when they saw my auto-responding away message and decided that meant I was actually there. While it was tempting to try to prank this person by saying "Sure, you pretend to be Patrick Swayze and I'll play Tony Soprano. We can have hot man on man love action for the rest of the night, so long as you don't mind me bringing a sheep into our bed," I just wasn't feeling up to the effort of being that creative. As soon as I removed the global away I received another set of messages, indicating just how hard up this person must be for entertainment:

goodnewsimhornie29: cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny :) (*blushes)
goodnewsimhornie29: feel likee a little cyber fun with me ? please please...

Wow. Again I'm handed a perfect opportunity, this time on a silver platter with fine garnishings for added color and visual appeal... and again I have to decide against pursuing it because I just don't have the energy to put into stringing this person along for three hours. If this had been two years ago I could have had this whack-job tearing their phone line out of the wall in a fit of perfect terror before they curled up in a fetal position and cried for mama. What the hell is wrong with me? I would never have passed this up!

I must be getting old.

For ten long years I paid for what I done

WTF?

Dec. 12th, 2003 08:53 am
feren: I AM THE MAN (nuke)
I logged in to my bank account this morning to do the usual scoot-money-around thing after receiving a paycheck. I've written about this before... I shuffle so much to savings, so much to the other account for rent and utilities, so much set aside for general expenses like groceries and gasoline with the remainder earmarked for bills. I was greeted with something that was a wee bit shocking to say the least -- according to my bank's records the direct deposit last night from Payroll was $464 more than normal.

Can somebody please explain this to me? Why is my paycheck almost $500 more than it should be?

Great, now I'm going to be really nervous until I can get my paystub and give it a good look-over because I need to see where this magical mystery cash came from. I don't want this to be a mistake on payroll's part because then I would have to give it back or have the extra deducted from my paycheck on the 26th, and that would make me sad.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that it's something simple like a bonus, because I can certainly put that $464 to good use by applying it towards any number of things.

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feren: I AM THE MAN (Default)
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