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Today has been a big day! It is official as of this afternoon: big black Ulysses is now my kitty. He passed his "interview week" in our safe room with flying colors, so I signed the paperwork to adopt him. He will never be able to replace my beloved Ra, but Ulysses has a personality as big and loving as his 17 pound self. As if that was not enough, I also signed the papers to make orange cheetoh Harlow officially part of my household. He is a "foster fail," we've been housing him for the animal shelter we volunteer with since September 10th, 2014. I can't imagine my home without him now!

You read that correctly: $3,097.04. That's what I paid for Ra's medical care in 2014. Well, correction -- that's the total of the receipts that are in front of me. There's a file somewhere in my records cabinet that has other receipts for 2014 medications and surgeries, so the true dollar figure is actually higher, probably by another $300-$500.

All that money spent, all those medications and procedures that he had to endure ... and I couldn't help him to last past New Years. I still don't know if I did the right thing or not. In a very specific sense I have no regrets. It's not as if I think it was "poorly spent" money. I'd spend it all again (and then some) without even thinking about it. But filing these receipts, reading the labs performed and medications prescribed? I just don't know. That I have regrets, that perhaps I kept him here too long through too much pain.

I can feel the grief swelling up inside again. There's a tight feeling in my chest that always accompanies the tears that come when I think about Ra and how much I miss him.

I think it is going to be a long, lonely night.

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

Title: "Empty"

It has been four weeks since I lost my best friend, today.

My heart is empty as his bed and collar.